I shall mourn at my inconsistencies,
I shall cry for the blunders I have made,
I shall follow the path of evil with a sinful glee,
I shall embrace this curse which lurks inside my soul.
I have wandered too far,
Nearing death with blinding sight,
I sit with loneliness blocking the path of hope,
Lost dreams and foolish hopes shall fill my grave.
Little more wine and little more crying,
Still drowning in the sorrows of life,
My tears fall upon the blinding dust of the earth,
Feeling sorry for my own ingratitude.
Half the night I waste in my own penance,
Half the night I waste in dreams of folly,
In a wakeful dose I sorrow.
Sometimes we find ourselves between the bewildering crossroads of life. Faith, hope & vision become menial, one’s own existence becomes a doubt and fear looms like a dark cloud. Our prose becomes dreary, constantly reaching out to the island of sanity but asylum is farfetched. Then we just need an angel to utter the magic verse…. “It’s going to be OK”
When we get tired of the pain and suffering which follows us like our shadow, the mind gets exhausted. Hurting the ones we love or inflict pain on others gives us satisfaction; it’s like an ethereal trophy to keep beside us. But at some point of time when the pain gets excruciating we just go into little imaginary spaces and disconnect from the outside world leaving us numb, numb to any situation, numbness to the world. All the emotions just vanish into thin air and numbness becomes a virus spreading inch by inch until it covers our whole body. We always think pain is the worst feeling but this numbness and eternal silence inside me has created a hole leaving us hollow. We would do anything to feel pain again, to feel something.
Trying to cling onto something corporeal,
My pain getting constant and sharp,
The cries getting louder and callous,
The gloomy feeling rules my heart.
The continuum of happiness is bleak,
Tired of this illusory which I perform every day that validates my existence in society,
The hollow conscience and the eradicating morals,
Blanket of stars brings solace to this restless heart,
Millions of the just glowing in darkness.
This is God’s own curse whether day or night,
The fake smile and the dreary face make it evidently clear of the fanatic cries,
Poison on my mind and the black coffin in my sight,
Abandoned by the near and dear ones,
Just throw my corpse where sadness cannot mourn,
Tired of being trapped behind this mask of despair.
We are always changing with time and it’s a vital part of our lives and it can be anything, change in habits, friends, clothes, thoughts etc. I have also changed; a vital part of me has changed which are my past memories. Now it includes two needles, an arm band and some delusional thoughts which I have sometimes.
I must travel through the darkness of the night,
Bright light from my burning heart will show the way,
The bleeding thoughts cannot contain in my mind,
My grace is long gone,
This is what I feel now.
I have dug a hole in the ground,
With flowers all around,
To rest in peace,
Where no one can tease.
Let the drama unfold,
Let the dear ones know that I died from inside long ago,
To breathe each day is an endless chore,
This is the night of endless endurance,
I can’t escape this grey sky,
I close my eyes so that I can forget this lie.
This is how I feel now.
An oblivious dream,
About failed dreams, hurting everyone I love,
I stare at my reflection in the mirror,
Sheer revulsion to everything I see,
I cry and wish I wasn’t me.
Life’s cruel jokes I cannot bear,
These pills just give cheap thrills with faux peace,
Memories of anguish and regret shall only hound,
Near and dear ones won’t understand the reason for this misfortune,
They think my broken heart can take these sorrows,
Just tired of failures and these secrets,
I shall abide my thought of ending it all.
Screaming, howling, a final frantic desperate shout,
Save me from this pain and agony,
My 9mm pistol, my only friend,
Trusted friend of mine I keep you close to my heart,
Promise me the pain will be sharp and the end will be near before the sight of my blood.
As they say the night belongs to the poets and the madmen,
I am the mad poet whose verses are dreary,
I haven’t shared my words which depicts my feeble soul carrying the burden of absurd egoism,
I pray to the narcissistic God to reward me a meaningful death.
I am trying to gather every bit of courage left in me,
The time I have been waiting for shall soon be here,
When I shall have no pain and no fear,
I have made up my mind,
My head is filled with the thoughts of ending it all.
This is freedom, freedom from shackles of society, freedom from rigid expectations of the loved ones, freedom from reality and thousand voices whispering don’t be afraid to end it all.